Most of those letters I haven't read in almost 10 years, so it was really hard rereading them and reliving it all. Reading the explanation of how it happened was just as horrifying, maybe more because I am older, as the first time I read it. So I definitely needed a break.
Back to the beginning, I never wished my parents never got divorced. My mother didn't keep much from me and I knew about a lot of adult things going on so I was kinda forced to grow up early. So I understood that my parents were better off apart, my father got sober and might a nice woman and they were able to get past their issues and become friends. When my father would pick me up he would actually come inside and talk to my mother, he would even play with my little brother a little. The other thing is other then a couple pictures of their wedding I do not have any memory of them being a couple. Yeah sure I would have loved to have a normal life and definitely envied families of other kids I knew but I never pictured that normal life with my parents together.
For a long time I have felt a lot of regret. One mainly being all the time I had missed out on with them before things went bad. I let the distance, my teenager-ness, work and my life come between us. He was my father and I only spoke to him on holidays, towards the end I wouldn't call him. I would wait around for him to call, to see if he remembered. He would never call on my birthday it would always be a couple days later, he would say that he didn't want to call me on my birthday in case I was doing something but I know he just forgot. I have a lot of regret about not being nicer to my stepmom, I wasn't movie mean to her, but I didn't give her a break sometimes. I just wish she knew how I felt, and that it wasn't her that I didn't like but that I was upset with my father for not being around enough. I regret not spending enough time with her when she came to visit and I regret not speaking up when I thought something was off with her during that visit. Maybe if I said something, my dad would have been more inclined to push her to get help. Maybe if I was around more in their lives I could have seen things going wrong. There was talk of me going to visit right around when all of it happened and I always wondered if I had that trip planned would it all never have happened because my dad knew I was coming. Or had I been down there around the time it happened could my presence changed the course of those days? I regret talking so long to start communicating with my dad after he went to jail, it would have given me a couple more months with him. I wish that I had written him more consistently once I did start writing, had he had the constant communication maybe he wouldn't have withdrawn, maybe I would have gotten a chance to see him or talk to him, maybe he wouldn't have died of a heart attack, maybe he would have been a little more at peace when he did die. I regret not pushing to go see him. I know all these regrets are irrational, I know I was a child, I know that I couldn't have possibly changed or prevented fate but I still can't help but think them.
I have a ton of anger. Anger with my father, stepmom, mother, druggy burnout loser, myself (above) and god. My dad, first how could he let my stepmom get so bad without getting her help, how could he let things go that far that night, how come he couldn't control his temper, how come he didn't handle things differently after (call 911), how could he stop writing me, how could he leave me? My mom, that's for another post. My stepmom, it was her "fault", she attacked him first. Druggy burnout loser, I know he was the cause of a lot of their problems and fights. I have a lot of mixed emotions about religion, not very religious, but how could god let something like this happen. I was a good kid, treated people well, responsible, hardworking but I got crap after crap thrown at me over and over again and now this.
Sadness is obviously a major emotion I experienced. Sad for the loss of my stepmom, and how she went. I often think a lot about all the things both of them missed out on. High school graduation, college graduation, my husband and our wedding, my children... I'm sad my kids will miss out on knowing the good side of their grandpa.
Like I said in my last post I never went down the wrong path. I didn't turn to drugs or negative people. I didn't always make the greatest choices when it came to other things in my life, again another post, but I think those things had more to do with control of my life than anything else. I did deal with a lot of depression, I was always sick and in pain. My activity level decreased and I ate more. I gained 60 pounds from the time I found out until when I went for my physical before going to college. After that I continued to gain, not as quickly but 11 years later I'm over 100 pounds more than I was then.
One of things I've changed about myself in the past year is to not hold things in. So a over a month ago I decided to send my stepmom's brother a message on facebook, I recently found him on there. This is what I sent him:
Hi,
Throughout the years I have searched for your family and it wasn't until this past summer that I came across your daughter's profile but I didn't think it would be appropriate to contact her. Just a few days ago I came across your profile and since them have been trying to decide whether or not to write you. Then it was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say for so many years. So this may be choppy but if you decide you would like to answer me back I can go into more detail. I understand if you don't want to communicate with me but at least I know that you will "hear" what's been on my mind for so many years.
I need to let you know I cared a lot for my stepmom. She was in my life a long time and treated me as if I was her own. Your family also made me feel very included. The day my mom told me everything, I lost two parents.
I really wanted to be at the memorial for her. I was told I shouldn't attend, which to an extent I understand but I was grieving as well and didn't feel like I got to say goodbye.
I had a very hard time with all this. I have not turned down any wrong roads in my life. I've done my best with what's been handed to me. I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around it or get over it.
I have never been on my dad's side with this. I know I was told not to go to the memorial and I don't know exactly where that came from but I always feared your family thought I was taking sides because I did not come. Or I was on his side because he was my father.
I am not my father and I didn't do what he did. However over the decade plus I have been ostracized from my father's family (my aunt hasn't completely ostracized me) and my siblings. And I have felt that is because I am his daughter.
I am sorry if this has brought back pain to you. I just wanted you to know these things (I'm sure I've left a ton out) and to know that I've always thought about your family and wished them well. Like I said before I understand if you have nothing to say and don't respond.
He never responded. Which like I said I understood and at least I have been able to say what I needed to but it's unfair to be shut out by everyone just because he was my father.
For my 21st birthday my mother's present to me was tickets to a John Edwards reading. First off, yay you turned 21 now I'm gonna take you to try and communicate with your murdered stepmom. Secondly, I would have never agreed to go with my mother had I known where she was taking me. Of course I was read, the woman in front of us was nice enough to write down what he said, so I'm going to list what was said and explain each thing.
- Called me out by saying Monkey Girl. When I was in elementary school I had a monkey for a short period of time and had brought the monkey into school a couple times. I was in this program where we were placed in classes based on our abilities instead of our age and we switched classrooms during the day like in middle and high school, so I had known a lot of older kids. Instead of them learning my name they called me monkey girl. And it actually stuck for a very long time, just with those certain older kids, when I was in my freshman year of college I ran into one of them and they remembered me by it.
- Had to give up monkey. Shortly after my little brother was born we had to give up the monkey because my mother was afraid my brother would accidentally hurt the monkey and then the monkey would bite him. So we gave him to a natural compound in Oregon.
- Grandmother passed. Both my father's mother and my stepdad's mother had passed. At first we thought it was one of them that came through but later started thinking it was my stepmom.
- Contemplate suicide, work through it, stay here, you escape nothing, work through them. Yes there were times throughout my teen years that I thought about suicide however I would have never acted on it, it was more of a it would be so much easier if...
- A lot to be appreciative of, stop being negative, this is who you are. I had a negative attitude, who wouldn't.
- Engaged twice? Committed twice? At the time I was seeing someone and we were very serious but then later that year we broke up and I met my husband.
- Paternity issue, uncertain about who dad is, stepdad. I think this was talking about my closeness with my stepdad and him being more of a father to me than my own dad.
- Miscarriage- son. No idea what this means.
- 11th of the month. The number 11 has a lot of importance to me, April 11th, it's my father's birthday...
- Stepmother, help raise you, were you mean to her, did not cut her any slack, Sound of Music. I think I've already explained this one.
- Education component. I thought about becoming a teacher decided not to but most of the jobs I've had a major responsibility was teaching something.
I'm sure I have more to add to this particular post but right now I need to get dinner on the table, I will update this as I think of things.
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