Yesterday was Mother's Day. It is such a tricky day for me. I don't have warm and fuzzy feelings for my mother. I try to avoid hugging her. I feel forced to say I love you when she says it to me, so it usually comes out luv ya.
I can't not get something for my mother but I don't agree with all the mother's day gifts. Picking out a card is so hard. I don't want to get something all mushy and lovey dovey because I don't and haven't felt that way about her. So I have to find a card that just basically says Happy Mother's Day, no hearts or anything saying you are a wonderful mother. Then the gift can't be mushy either. This year I found a card that was for Grandma, from my kids and just signed mine and my husbands names. The gift we got her a panoramic picture of her favorite baseball team's stadium. We also took her out to dinner, but my husband had that planned for me anyway. Nothing saying you are a great mom.
Part of me feels bad I don't have those warm fuzzy feelings but all of me knows that I can't and won't ever have them. She made really shitty decisions throughout my childhood, she was not very kind to me growing up, and she continued to make shitty decisions as I got older.
I am going to sound horrible and as a parent myself I hope my children never feel this way about me. I would be perfectly happy if I never had to speak/see her again. I have heard so many people say don't worry your relationship will get better as I get older and have kids of my own. That I should cherish my relationship because not everyone has a mother. I can't. It will never happen.
As a side note I had a wonderful day with my kids yesterday. We spent the day out and enjoying funny time.
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